HIM

What shit has he put himself into? He can neither comprehend nor understand, he thinks and he thinks much!!! It’s seems close to a mid life existential crisis that he is going through!!!

He has graduated, he does not party like the rest of his generation, and he has nothing to do! Hardly goes out. No woman to love! Frustrations with no bases! Still watches anime like a child! The only positive thing that he does is read a little! His landlady often asks him where had he been, as she seldom sees him, all the while, where he had been was inside his apartment.

His existence is turning into one without meaning! Like Kafka's Samsa wakes up to find himself turned into a hideous bug, similarly he wakes up every damn day into an abyss of nothingness, which crumbles around him drags him by his arms and limbs like a storm within!

To summarize it I’ll quote, "Nothing happens, nobody comes nobody goes, it’s awful" Samuel Beckett in Waiting for Godot

He has been giving up on things! He gave up on pot and alcohol; he gave up on courting that one woman who he had ever wanted to be with, more so because he needed to respect her views and principles! She asked him to stop, and he dropped it like he dropped everything else that he could. But he did not know what that drop would cost, eventually.

He had given up on all his 'friends' he doesn't meet them or talk to them anymore, he doesn’t pretend to be close to them like how they were in school, but they still pretend it’s all the same. No, fuck no, nothing is same they've all changed, they just deny it! And he accepted the change, which makes them think he is a slight misfit. He says: Well fuck them!

He doesn't sleep well, he finds himself caught up in a ditch and it’s a claustrophobic feeling which he can’t express in words! He reached a suicidal point, and gave that up to, instead he accepted the realities and he saw no fucking point in anything, not even in ending his existence! No coherence, no comprehension!

A friend of his asked if he wanted a toke on a spiff, “Nah no pot!!!” he replied. Pot was never the solution. He has come to realize that the only solution is the acceptance of realities, which in itself creates the conflict! That is probably the paradox of all human existence! He contemplated to conclude. ‘Acceptance of reality is the only solution’. This acceptance created the conflict in his mind, as he is a free thinker and has a free will; that was how to him life itself seemed paradoxical!!! And makes one conflicted and puts one in crisis. As reality is again variable and it never seems constant.

The coming and going is not of the physical presence it’s about an idea, an idea of being connected to a mind that understands the working of a free thinking mind, a union of minds, he thought he had it with the woman he assumed he was connected to, but he had to cut it loose, as she wanted to take it no further with him. She said she did not want to sting, but it was a sting that he feels right at the center of a void that was created soon after he accepted her side of the story. That void is his ditch, that void is his storm, that void is his rattrap, and that void is exactly where he did not want to be.

That one, tiny, little act of cutting loose of his connection with her, put him into a labyrinth of nothingness. And its realization and acceptance created this entire conflict as she had nothing to do with it. The claustrophobic ditch, the void, was his creation and his damnation! He damns himself for thinking too much and bringing himself to where he fell from grace and witnessed his naked weakness, how he now only wishes he was a dumb-fuck who understood nothing! Maybe he is a Dumb-fuck who understands nothing at all.

He has no faith in religion nor God he dropped them from his life a long time ago, he chose not to believe in them like they asked him to believe, as he felt that the belief in an eternal Almighty, or as the scriptures of the religion he was born into or rather forced into, suggested over 300 million individual Almighty beings narrowed his sense, sight and perception, to him it seemed but a tool for political control and power. He has no faith in magic, no faith in the extra terrestrial, he has no faith in money, he sees no faith anymore, but he has one faith, Him: and that stopped him from making “The Final Cut”.